I read a book a long time ago that had a catch phrase in it: “Love is never having to say you’re sorry.” Hogwash. It sounds romantic, but it was obviously written by a bachelor, with no knowledge of marriage or raising children. In a marriage, love means saying, “I’m sorry” often. With children it means saying “No, I’m sorry, but NO.”
One of the hardest things about raising teenagers is having to say NO over and over again! I remember days when I only said NO to my children and seemed to say it in every conversation. “Yes” seemed as non-existent to me, as it did to them. I said NO when they wanted to attend late-night parties, which undoubtedly would involve alcohol or drugs with their friends. I said NO when they wanted to watch something on TV that did not fit with our family values. I said NO when they wanted to drive to the neighboring town after dark. I said NO when they wanted to skip school. I said NO when they wanted to stay out late, and I said NO when they had not lived up to their end of the bargain when it dealt with chores, homework, or grades. The work NO never meant that I didn’t love them; quite the contrary, it meant that I loved them enough to say NO when I needed to. I cared what they did and wanted to keep them safe.
Teenagers are wonderful; they have enthusiasm, energy, and creativity, but at the same time, they are teenagers, and as parents and teachers we need to love them enough to say NO at those times when NO is the right thing to do.
Supervising teenagers is sort of like driving on a mountain road. You want to get close enough to the edge to look over, but not close enough to go over. During the winter, the snow is piled high on the edges, and we drive along slipping and sliding from one edge to the other, but we don’t usually go off the road, regardless of how careless we are because the snowplows have piled the edges high with snowbanks. Those snowbanks are like the rules for teenagers. Teenagers need to be able to slip and slide a bit, but never, never go over the edge into the deep ravine. They need to look around at all of life’s possibilities, but not to pass over that edge, because sometimes there is no return.
Our daughter was 24 when she finally reminded us of the many NOs she had weathered during her teenage years. She attended a few parties with her friends and somehow met curfew every single night of her high school days. She often asked to do those things that her friends did, but our NOs didn’t allow. She was not always in agreement with our NO conversations, and we had our ups and downs. But, at the same time, she stayed on that mountain road piled high with snow. As an adult, she finally confessed that she was glad that we had held firm in our convictions. In fact, she continued, her life was much easier while a teenager because she always had an out for those peer pressures that arose: “Mom and Dad won’t let me. They said NO.”
NO is not a bad word! It is a word which demonstrates LOVE and CARE and COMMITMENT. Somehow, both my children survived and now I’m having a blast, watching them say NO to their teenage children.
If you enjoy Gail’s blogs, they are available on her website, gailcushman.com. Her books are there, too!
